Dear God.

So I have a few questions for you this evening.
1. Why do things always fall apart on me?
2. Why can't I ever find actual, pure happiness?
3. And why does everyone push me onto you?

I mean, sure, Ive thought about trying this whole religion concept out. But, frankly, I don't think it's for me. I used to not mind going at the ass crack of dawn on Sunday mornings. It isn't like anyone does anything at 8 o'clock Sunday mornings anyway. Now? I don't know. Everything about myself that I have come to learn says i will never be able to accept God into my life like other people can. It's not anything I've thought about. Who knows? Definitely not me.

And as for the other two things I wanted to share with you, I'm not sure how to describe it. I have this internal and constant suffocated feeling. Like nothing I do can ever actually please myself. There is an internal battle. You know that saying " I am my own worst enemy?" that's kind of feeling I have on a daily basis. Oh what I would do to rid myself of this, you cannot even begin to fathom.

I think that's it for now. It's time to read and get to bed early since there is church in the morning.

- Whitney.

Dear God.

If you are even there. All I ask, is that you keep this emotional pain away. It's not fair that I cannot go more than a day at a time without wanting to cry. No one thinks this is true. I'm to strong for that. I would never let anyone see my true emotions, my true colors. I'm hostile, I'm selfish, I'm completely unorthadox. Whatever that means. I just cannot handle this anymore.

I'm beyond stressed out as of now. Maybe that is my why I feel like I'm going to fall apart into tiny pieces. Or maybe, I'm just letting things get ahead of me. Although my grades have got to be amazing right now. All I do is homework. Oh. And I work. Sounds real eventful. But this little time off from work is nice. Not having to work during the school week really. Gives me more time to do things I like for once.

But what do I honestly have to do? I tend to stay at the school later now. Maybe go to a wrestling match. Might as well be supportive of West right? Even if I hate that place more than anything. It's just not what I would look for in school. The people are less than desirable. I've given up on making friends since every person there is as fake as their coach bags they flaunt around. You're really cute before we get to know you.

It probably seems as if I have nothing to be worried about really. My level four classes are coming easily, I've got a lot of friends (Even though I don't really like most of them), I'm getting back into music big time, and my family is starting to fall back together. Why do I feel like such crap?

I don't know why I spent the time writing all of this but I have to admit, writing it all out has helped a lot. Well this biology paper on photosynthesis isn't going to write itself, is it? Oh how I would love that. I think that's all for now.

- Whitney.